So now that I am 88, I really am finally learning what it means to “grow old”. It’s all about Letting Go and Moving On. It means adapting to new realities. Letting go of dear friends or a life partner is the hardest. After seven years without Jack, even as I miss his hugs terribly, I am ever more aware of his presence.  I am shifting from feeling so responsible for others to taking better care of myself.

In 2019 I joined a local theater board to help them incorporate DEI goals. I am leaving that organization in June because I realize that I am no longer as energetic or competent to lead others as I once was. My memory is slow to recall names. I forget to attend scheduled meetings.  My thinking is slower, even to express an opinion. I am done with that phase of my life—well, not with expressing opinions if asked! But I am adapting to my awareness of diminishing energy and ambition.  I listen more and observe others who are younger taking over. It pleases me.

I made three promises to myself when I retired in 1995 from my beloved teaching and directing at Boulder High School which had consumed both time and energy for 15 years: to give priority to care of my body and my spiritual growth; to read as many books as I wanted; and to develop friendships with women.   

My life at 88 is now, finally, about taking care of me.  Maintenance is the necessary work of our later years. I swim in our condo’s pool for exercise and release. I joined a yoga class and am the oldest in the class. I get congratulations for just showing up. My body feels better too—more flexible joints, less creaky. I eat when I want and fix what I like and share the extra with Beth or friends who’ve given up cooking.

I read many books for enjoyable company and to learn more, especially how history informs our present-day issues.  Here’s my list of some of the top books I have most enjoyed:

Caste: The Origins of Our Discontent  by Isabel Wilkerson; The Sixth Extinction by Elizabeth Kolbert; Inheritance by Dani Shapiro; A Woman of No Importance by Sonia Purnell; The American Lion by Jon Meacham; The Night Watchman by Louise Erdrich; Deacon King Kong by James McBride; Becoming Duchess Goldblatt by Anonymous; The Water Dancer by Ta Nahesi Coates.

My three book groups have led to closer friendships with women I admire and whose company I enjoy. I attend a weekly lunchtime Zoom Bible study. Not only does is feed my spiritual growth by discussing current issues as they relate to biblical teachings, but this small group of mostly women has become a meaningful support circle.  I still love going to the theatre, to concerts, and occasional travel still appeals. It all feeds my mind and soul. I write letters or make spontaneous phone calls or texts to connect with others, and I continue to nurture my spiritual path that readies me for transitioning to another reality when the time comes. I am done with “productions” and “projects” that require a lot of time and effort. My focus now is more about relationships and being with people I care about and for the give and take of both new and enduring friendships. I take more time now for acts of kindness. I have become a modest philanthropist by supporting others who provide compassionate human services or organize for positive social change.

This is what I now know with certainty: Love is the bridge that connects us, even in death.

Watery Wisdom
Beginning a new chapter of life is a lot like jumping off a high diving board without a life preserver. You have to trust the water to hold you up and yourself to know how to paddle to safety. The wonder is that you can do it with practice and, finally, without fear.

I heard Desmund Tutu (and maybe Martin L. King Jr. too) once say, “The arc of history bends toward justice.” Those words echoed in my mind when I was recently in the cast of “8”, listening to the words of the two lawyers from opposing political parties who teamed up to take on California’s ban on gay marriages, Proposition 8, to federal court. As I listened to the words from the court records during our one Boulder performance on December 6, I never dreamed that the Supreme Court would announce the very next day that they would hear arguments challenging both Proposition 8 and the federal Defense of Marriage Act. “It’s happening so fast,” I said to myself. Maybe I will live long enough to see my gay sons legally marry in Colorado!

What is the argument for the freedom to marry? As Theodore Olson, one of the lawyers stated federal court: “I believe, Your Honor, that there is a political tide turning. I think that people’s eyes are being opened. People are becoming more understanding and tolerant. The polls tell us that. That isn’t any secret”. He goes on to say that this case is going to be in a court where a judge is going to have to depend on more than public opinion; he will need to decide on a reason with real evidence that marriage equality does or does not do actual harm to society. He proclaims that ”it is not acceptable under our Constitution to deprive any citizens basic human rights that are guaranteed in our Constitution.” He says to the judge: “You cannot say, ‘We are going to take away the constitutional right to liberty , privacy, association, and sexual intimacy that we already tell you you have!’ So that case will now be heard by the Supreme Court sometime in April. And we wait breathlessly for the next historic moment. 

Lest we feel too confident…… we still have Utah…Missouri,…Montana… North Carolina. My weekend in Hamilton, Montana, at the PFLAG Pacific Northwest Regional Conference taught me so much about the disparities of progress toward LGBT equality. One lesbian member of the local chapter told me about her recent horrendous experience speaking to the Hamilton Board of Education. When she requested that sexual orientation be included in their non-discrimination policy, she was met by a barrage of bigoted comments from both Board members (four out of six are Tea Party members) and audience of ultra-conservatives. Instead of common agreement about bully-proofing that all students should be safe in school, she heard comments such as: “They don’t deserve protection—those gays are going to burn in Hell anyway. Let them take what they get!” Needless to say, she was devastated by the ugly prejudice but determined to return another day. 

I was in North Carolina this past spring just a week before the vote about including the ban on same-sex marriage in their Constitution. I read the Charlotte newspaper’s front page and saw that special feature highlighted the words of Franklin Graham, son of Billy Graham, who spoke of the “sanctity of marriage” and “disobeying God’s commands.” Other articles that were supportive of gay marriage were buried on back pages. One brave progressive Baptist minister wrote that the issue behind the vote was really about the separation of church and state, established by our Founders. Religious beliefs should not govern state policies. Didn’t our recent election cycle support that claim? 

At the same time in April, the United Methodist Church met in world-wide General Conference in Tampa to once again refuse to take out anti-gay policies from their Book of Discipline which governs church polity. I was moved to tears when the ministers in our own UMC in Boulder, Pat Bruns and Joe Agne, announced soon after the Tampa meetings that they were joining with other UM clergy across the country to defy church policy and agree to perform same-sex ceremonies in our church. 

So there is room for hope. This year we heard our first sitting President take a public stand on marriage equality. After thirty-two state over the past 20 years have banned same-sex marriage, this year in November, four states voted either to preserve the right to marriage equality in Maine or to vote against a ban in Maryland, Minnesota and Washington. Yes, the tide is turning. The arc of history is bending closer to justice; it is made up of historic moments that create eventual change.